Archive for the ‘favorites’ Category

oh, to be present.

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

Brett and I decided early on that we would always plan a weekend getaway for our anniversary. We celebrated our first year in Half Moon Bay, and our second in Capitola. This year, we knew a weekend wasn’t going to cut it, so we splurged on four whole glorious days in Huntington Beach.

And glorious it was. We had two rules for the weekend: 1) we would sleep as much as possible; and 2) we would eat as much as possible. Pure. Bliss.

For the first time, in a long time, I wasn’t worried about what happened yesterday, or what was going to happen tomorrow. What a gift, to live in the moment. To wake up after eleven hours of sleep, eat a hearty breakfast, and decide to take a nap. To pig out on sloppy joes and garlic fries for dinner, before insisting on dessert. To sprawl out on the beach, with an empty mind, and watch the clouds dance.

Oh, to be present. What a wonderful thing….

{ triple dates with friends. }

{ beach strolls. }

{ lazy afternoons. }

{ outdoor breakfasts. }

{ exploring. }

{ no caption necessary. }

{ pre-Mulvaney’s. }

{ homemade ice cream sampler; yes, please. }

{ my gift to B: crossing #4 off our pre-baby bucket list. }

{ B’s gift to me: this is why I love him. }

the friend i want to be.

Wednesday, July 14th, 2010

Ahh, friendships. So much to say, so little time.

The older I get, the more I realize the quest for quality friendships is an uphill battle. Yet, a challenge I am willing to face time and time again. I’ve been disappointed, saddened, frustrated, and beaten down by friendships in the past, while I keep going back for more. Searching, always searching for the “right” friends. The “quality” friends. The ones who don’t walk carelessly in and out of my life, but are here for keeps.

Sometimes I feel as though my expectations of friends are too high. I suppose it makes perfect sense. You see, I have very high expectations of myself, and it’s all too easy to transfer those expectations to others, whether or not I intend to do so.

A habit that is completely, undoubtedly, unfair. Why should I hold you to the same standards I hold myself? You’re not me, and I’m not you (insert duh here ____).

Sometimes I find myself so wrapped up in disappointment, I end up losing heart. After I lose heart, I lose hope. And when hope is lost, there’s really no point at all.

Enter: the realization. I can only take responsibility for my actions. For who I am, and the friend I will be.

Two years ago, I was fortunate enough to meet a group of amazing women in Sacramento. The friends you always dream of having, but don’t actually think exist. We’ve laughed, cried, celebrated new homes, new jobs, and new babies together. Our lives are ever-changing, but these friendships seem to stand still at times.

I have always considered myself to be a good friend, but I also know there is always room for improvement. With that, I give you me, and the friend I want to be….

I want to be the friend who jumps out of bed at 11:00pm when your car is out of gas and you’re sitting on the side of the freeway stranded. I want to be the friend who writes you a job recommendation, not because I feel obligated to do so, but because you’re perfect for the job and everyone should know it. I want to be the friend who listens to you cry over the same boy, night after night.

I want to be the friend who brings you frozen yogurt when you’re having an awful day. I want to be the friend who comes to the hospital to hold your new baby and tell you how beautiful you both are. I want to be the friend who cooks you dinner when you need an extra hand, and I want to be the friend who buys you gifts for no reason.

I want to be the friend who makes time for you, even when I don’t have time to give. I want to be the friend who builds you up in words of truth, and never tears you down.

I want to be the friend who celebrates wholeheartedly, the joyous occasions in your life. The friend who feels your joy as completely as your pain. The friend who would do anything for you.

I want to be that friend. I can be that friend. I have been, at times, that friend.

Ahh, friendships. So much to say, so little time.

when you stop looking.

Friday, May 14th, 2010

To everyone who assisted in the missing inspiration hunt, thank you. After posting my missing person thing report, I began a solo search party of my own. I looked in the pantry, under our bed, near the back of the closet, and even in my left shoe. It was sadly, nowhere to be found. But then, lo and behold, I looked in the comments.

And all was right with the world again.

Fellow blogger Sari simply stated, “it will hit you when you stop looking.” I read that comment and laughed, for it instantly spurred my inspiration for this post. So thank you Sari—I officially owe you frozen yogurt.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Is it just me, or do we spend our entire lives searching? Searching for meaning, for love, the perfect job, an unreachable sense of fulfillment?

When I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was fall in love. I watched Ariel and Eric, Jasmin and Aladdin, Cinderella and Prince Charming (did he have a real name?)….ride off into the sunset together, as my eyes glazed over with envy. I wanted that, and I wanted it immediately. Some of you may remember I occasionally struggle with impatience.

Naturally, at age six, the search for love began.

I looked everywhere. I looked for it in the one who held my hand on the playground during recess. I looked for it in the one who bought me a purple necklace at Outdoor Ed. I looked for it in the one who gave me my first kiss, who was also the first one who broke my heart. I looked for it in the one who lied to me, and I looked for it in the one who lived too far away. I even looked for it in the one who was my best friend. No matter how diligent I was in my search, finding love seemed hopeless.

And then, I stopped looking.

I had just graduated from high school, and was spending a warm summer night at the county fair with a friend, who happened to introduce me to my very first funnel cake. After chatting for a bit, we hopped in his car and he told me he needed to stop by his buddy’s house to drop off a video game.

“Fine by me,” I replied.

Little did I know, that was going to be the night I would meet the one. He was wearing blue basketball shorts with a white t-shirt, and his hair was messy. He smiled at me and said “nice to meet you” while I shyly smiled back. His computer was turned on, and I quickly noticed him sign into AIM (remember instant messenger?). I not-so-slyly memorized his screen name before saying goodbye.

I returned home and rushed upstairs to hop into bed with my laptop. My internet could not sign onto AIM fast enough. After 20 whole seconds of torture, my little buddy list finally popped up and after quickly adding him, I saw he was logged on. I can’t remember what I said to him, but I’m sure it was something equally clever and dorky. We talked for a while that night. And the night after that. And the night after that.

Two weeks later he kissed me. A week after that, he asked me to be his girlfriend under the fireworks. Three months later, he whispered he loved me and a year after that, he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife.

After three years together, I put on a pretty dress and promised to love him forever.

I don’t know what you’re searching for, but chances are, you just need to stop looking to find it.

Image Courtesy: 1

see through you.

Thursday, May 6th, 2010

trans·par·ent [trans-pair-uhnt] –adjective: easily seen through, recognized, or detected.

A recent discussion among girlfriends centered around the question—what qualities do you find most attractive in other women? In other words, what draws you to become friends with them? Surely we know what qualities attract us to men, for we start noticing that around age _____ (answers may vary).

While my original answer was “women who are low-maintenance”, I later gave it some serious thought and settled on my final answer: women who are transparent. At first glance I realize this word has a negative connotation, but I would ask that you reconsider your grammatically instinctive feelings.

Transparent: easily seen through, recognized, or detected.

Now consider that word in relation to the heart. If you are transparent, I can see through you to the center of who you are. You are you, and you’ve always been you. You know your strengths just as well as you know your flaws. People can see them, recognize them, and detect them.

While I’m (let’s be honest) probably never, ever going to be low maintenance (sorry Brett), I am capable of achieving transparency. I want to be transparent. When you see me, I want you to see me. For all that I am, good and bad, and all that I’ve become.

Here’s a start for those of you who might possibly be interested…

I am impatient. Not like I hate traffic or waiting in line. More like if anything takes longer than 0.4 seconds (EVER), I become instantly annoyed. It is my biggest flaw and my greatest prayer that I will learn to master this amazing ability. I expect a lot from myself, which typically translates into expecting a lot from others, which typically leads to disappointment. I have a really hard time saying no. I enjoy giving gifts much more than I enjoy receiving them. I don’t forgive as easily as I should. I would do anything for my friends. I occasionally spend more time talking than listening and I am trying to change that. Sometimes I am too honest and it gets me in trouble. I doubt myself more than I should, and I’m not as strong as you think I am. I’m a clean freak, but I hate emptying the dishwasher and yes I realize that is ironic. Sometimes I love too hard, and sometimes I don’t love hard enough. I hate boats and will puke if you put me on one. I am incredibly stubborn but rarely admit it. I am allergic to rats, grass, and silicone. I use Brett’s allergy to shellfish as an excuse not to eat it myself because I don’t like it anyways. I always spell thesaurous wrong (see?). I wish I could sew but I’m not patient enough to learn. I love to write more than I love most things. I need to be more grateful. I watch the Real Housewives and am completely aware of how trashy it is. I can eat an entire bag of popcorn in less than two minutes. I fear not being everything I know I can be.

Will you let me see through you?

Image Courtesy: 1

a moment.

Monday, April 19th, 2010

Have you ever had a moment? You know, a time where you realized something you already knew, but had never quite experienced in one split second?

Let me explain. I know I’m an adult. I am 24 years old, married, and living life as a grown-up. If you were to ask me if I considered myself to be an adult, I would of course answer “yes”. I am old enough to drive a car, see R-rated movies, vote, and buy alcohol. The only thing I can’t do is rent a car, which is pretty silly if you ask me. Good thing my husband is ancient old enough and can rent a car for both of us.

But I digress—back to the story.

So the other morning, I stumbled into our kitchen only to realize that we were out of Go Girl Energy Drinks, aka my worst nightmare. Hi, my name is Ashlee and I am addicted to caffeine. Without missing a beat, I hopped in the car and drove like a maniac to Starbucks to get my fix in before work.

It was a typical visit to Starbs, nothing out of the ordinary. I ordered my regular drink—a tall nonfat extra hot black and white mocha with no whip—and flew out the door.

And then, it happened. A wave of realization smacked me in the face so hard I thought I was going to fall down.

I realized, in the blink of an eye, that I was a grown-up.

There I was—standing in the middle of the parking lot, dressed in fancy clothes, holding my coffee in one hand, carrying keys to my recently purchased new car in the other, getting ready to drive to my job, where I work every day.

WHOA.

Suddenly, all of the elements added up to one ridiculously surreal epiphany. It was liberating and depressing all at once, if that’s even possible. Liberating to know that if I wanted to, I could eat ice cream for dinner and watch TV for five straight hours. Depressing to know that I have bills to pay, a house to clean, and a multitude of other responsibilities vying for my attention.

The moment left just as quickly as it had arrived and I went on my merry way, almost as if nothing had happened at all. But, I will never forget the moment I realized I was a grown-up—right there in the parking lot, holding my coffee.

Have you had any moments lately?

Image Courtesy: 1

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