pure magic.

Pure magic-1The sun shines through the living room windows and he crawls up on the couch next to me, freshly woken from a not-long-enough nap. I notice an eyelash on his cheek as he quickly spots my headphones. I turn on James Morrison and put one earbud in his ear, the other in mine. His ocean blue eyes light up and a smile creeps across his face.

We sit there together, foreheads touching, listening to the same song. He pulls the speaker away from his ear, and then puts it back again with wide eyes. Back and forth, like magic, figuring out the way the world works. He sways his tiny body on my lap, dancing and looking at me for approval.

I always approve of dancing.

And it is there, with Everett in my lap and a single headphone in one ear, that the sheer magnitude of motherhood hits me. That there is no turning back from this point, no do-overs, no second chances. From this point forward, for the rest of my days, I have this one life on earth to love my son and to love him well.

I feel the significance of it with every fiber of my being, the greatness of this all-consuming love that makes my heart beat and ache at the same time. It overwhelms me in the most wonderful and terrifying way to think that God has trusted me with this tiny child. I feel undeserving, ill-equipped, unprepared, and grateful beyond measure.

Sometimes I get lost in the sippy cups and the spilled applesauce on the kitchen floor and the naps that are never, ever long enough. Sometimes I get lost in the frustration, in the exhaustion, in the neediness and constant mess.

But these are the days, you know? These are the moments my entire life is made of—tiny pockets of time that feel like pure magic. How else can you describe the way a toddler looks at you in complete wonderment with headphones in his ears?

This time is short, a fleeting gift. Soon headphones will just be headphones and he’ll be too big to sit in my lap. That thought pierces me in a hundred different ways.

So for now, for today, we will sit on the couch together with James Morrison streaming through the headphones. We will sway and smile and ignore that pile of laundry over there. We will soak up this moment, this magic, for all it’s worth.

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11 Responses to pure magic.

  1. Mariah says:

    You made me cry! Thank you for the reminder, especially on this morning where there were bananas everywhere, like there are always bananas everywhere… 🙂
    Mariah´s last blog post ..The 7 Stages of Wanting :: Baptist-Raised Edition

  2. Elizabeth says:

    Love this writing; so beautiful. While I’m still waiting on a little one to light up my life, I can totally relate to those beautiful moments. In the midst of all the chaos and worries and fears that can fill a life, and suddenly you’re hit with this moment of being with someone you love, of knowing that THIS love, THIS person, THIS joy is what life is really all about. What a little sweetheart you have to enjoy these moments with!
    Elizabeth´s last blog post ..I Like to Call This Breakfast

  3. Natalie says:

    Great post! I started reading your blog after you posted Trash the Dress photos of a friend of mine, Danielle. I got sucked in and haven’t stopped reading. I am not one to leave comments, especially when I have never met you. But after reading your post on “how to support the bloggers you love”, I’ve been meaning to comment and let you know that I love reading your blog. You are an amazing writer and I often find that you write about things that I, too, have been feeling. Today seemed like the perfect post to comment on, so I did. My daughter, Kylie, turned one on Monday and to say the last year flew by is an understatement! I love reading your posts on motherhood and about your handsome little guy. And today’s post brought tears to my eyes… “These are the moments my entire life is made of—tiny pockets of time that feel like pure magic.” Kylie looks at me often in complete wonderment or for approval… and it is those moments that melt my heart. It is those moments when I know, without a doubt, that my main mission in life is to be the best mommy I can be to Kylie and any future children we have.
    So today, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your writing.

  4. Christy says:

    Oh, this brought tears to my eyes too! How grateful I am for your blog, Ashlee, and for your perspectives on motherhood. Oh yes, this post makes me realize (again) how profoundly grateful I am to be quitting my attorney job in California to move to Texas and be a stay-at-home home with my young kiddos for…well, however long it feels RIGHT. Halleluiah. These ARE the days.

  5. Nataliya says:

    Thank you so much. Even though i know exactly what you mean, i am guilty of being more concerned with all the lists and to-do’s in my head to enjoy these fleeting moments. Your post is going to inspire me to get off of my laptop right this instant and enjoy the rest of this day with my sick little toddler. It is fleeting, and we got to enjoy each and every second of these tiny humans living in our homes. Thanks so much. Hugs!
    Nataliya´s last blog post ..LITTLE STYLE: As cozy as a handmade sweater

  6. Sarabell says:

    As always, love it! Thank you for sharing!!

  7. What a beautiful post, Ashlee. What a beautiful son, what a beautiful purpose, what a beautiful life.
    Kate @ GreatestEscpaist.com´s last blog post ..The Uncomfortable Exposure of Crying in Public

  8. michelle says:

    I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this!
    michelle´s last blog post ..Dinner Last Night: Vegetarian Chili Verde

  9. Callie says:

    I love this. All of it is just gorgeous. You write so vividly. I kinda feel like I was there..!!

  10. Danielle says:

    It is magic isn’t it?! And such a gift to be able to spend our days with them. Even on the days when the dishes and laundry and to do’s pile up. On those days, I am learning to surrender. Be present. And focus on the magic 🙂
    Beautiful post!!


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