I have recently come to realize something about myself.
Something groundbreaking.
I…..am an introvert.
I haven’t always been an introvert, and it’s taken some recent self reflection to realize this about myself. Per usual, I process best while writing, so I have decided to share my latest life epiphany with you. Thank you in advance for reading, for hearing, for understanding.
……………
Growing up, I was no doubt, an extrovert. My parents would probably tell you that they noticed this about me at the ripe age of two. I loved to sing and dance and be the center of attention all the time. In high school I was a cheerleader, bubbly, easily excited, loud, and super outgoing. I was the girl who asked a boy to the Sadie Hawkins dance in front of the entire school in the middle of a pep rally. I never missed a school dance or other social gatherings; I was daring and outspoken and an overall “people person”.
I met Brett when I was 18, and this is who I was at the time. I could small talk for hours and charm the pants off of anyone. I was a waitress and loved my job, not necessarily because the tips were good but because I loved talking to new people every night. This was the Ashlee that Brett fell in love with.
When I was 20, I moved to Sacramento (alone) to attend UC Davis. I knew exactly two people on my first day of school. Brett and I had just purchased our first home, and I lived there by myself for the nine months leading up to our wedding. While I spent a lot of time on campus with a small group of friends I had found, I was overall pretty disconnected from college. I was planning my wedding, settling into a new house, and adjusting to my new long-distance relationship with Brett. I didn’t always like living alone, but I started to appreciate the quiet and solitude of an empty house.
From ages 20-24, I fell into this weird place socially where I was not really an extrovert anymore, but not really an introvert either. I was 50/50, dancing on the line between E and I, easily swayed either way depending on the day and crowd. I felt myself shifting, changing, and transitioning. I became more introspective and more quiet. I started writing regularly. I began to crave alone time, and started shifting away from big gatherings or large groups of people. I never joined a sorority, and instead focused on fostering friendships based on smaller, more intimate settings. I was more extroverted around some people, and more introverted around others. I was, perhaps, turning into an introvert with social skills.
At 25, I got pregnant, and felt myself shifting again, this time into a person who was mostly introverted, and rarely extroverted. Being pregnant is hard. I was slowly turning into a hermit, only encouraged by the decision to quit my full-time job and start working for myself. I spent the majority of my pregnancy at home on the couch, in sweatpants, pondering life and motherhood. I was anxious and scared a lot of that time. I was hormonal and emotional (like, WHOA). I didn’t really like going out or being around groups of people. I was silent a lot of the time. I had constant inner dialogue with God and with Everett. I had constant outer dialogue with Brett, but not very many others.
And then Everett was born. And it was amazing. I became a mother, and it forever changed me. I felt another shift, another transition, as I became super withdrawn and anxious. If Everett was not in my arms, I was worried about him. If I couldn’t see him in the room, I felt anxious. Everett is nine months old now and I still feel this way often. I think a lot of it has to do with breastfeeding and the biological, instinctual bond of our bodies still needing each other.
When Everett was a newborn especially, in those first couple of months, I saw everything as a threat to his protection. I didn’t like anyone holding him for more than a few minutes at a time. I needed to make sure he was close to me, to hear me and see me and smell me, all the time. I started to dread bringing Everett to big family gatherings or parties. I constantly felt overwhelmed, anxious, and threatened. I never felt in control of myself or of Everett, and I couldn’t wait to get home where we were safe again. I hated making small talk and found myself too distracted by worry to enjoy conversations with people. I started to love being alone with Everett far more than I loved being around people, which became draining and exhausting for me.
As I’m typing this, I’m aware it sounds like I have a legit anxiety disorder. I don’t believe that to be true, as all of these feelings are fading with each passing month. I think all first-time moms suffer from minor anxiety in the beginning, right? Anyone? Bueller?
And now here I am, nine months in to this motherhood gig and still figuring it all out. Just when I think I know “who I am”, I change my mind. And amid all of these jumbled thoughts, here is what I know for sure:
-Marriage changed me.
-Moving to Sacramento changed me.
-Becoming a mother changed me.
All of those things changed me for the better, and through each change, I have found myself leaning more on God and less on myself. God has used those changes to strengthen me, challenge me, and help me grow into the person that He created me to be. And at this point in time, that person is an introvert.
I love quiet. I need quiet. I like writing more than I like talking. I like having a few close friends and spending quality time with them in one-on-one settings or in small groups. And despite all of this, I would never describe myself as “shy” which is the term the dictionary uses to describe an introvert. I love the way the Myers-Briggs Personality Test defines introversion and extraversion—as a measure of where your energy comes from. Does your energy come from an outer world of people and things? Or from your inner world of ideas and images?
Right now, in this season of new motherhood, my energy comes from resting, reading, reflecting, processing, and writing.
I don’t know how long this season or phase will last. I think my natural disposition is to be more of an “ambivert” — someone who falls in the middle of the spectrum. The professionals will tell you that it’s impossible to be 100% extroverted or 100% introverted, and I agree with that wholeheartedly.
I think you can possess qualities of introversion and extraversion simultaneously, and I also believe you can transition from one to another with the passing of seasons and life stages.
Today, I am an introvert.
What about you? Are you an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert? Have you transitioned from one to another during major life changes? If you’re a mom, did motherhood affect your introvert/extrovert tendencies? I’d love to know your thoughts!
I can identify with pretty much all of these feelings, Ashlee! Thank you SO much for writing this. I think, in general, we’re taught that extroverts win at life, so we should adhere to that mold. I’ve never been a true extrovert, but as a former marketing gal, I remember it being completely expected of me. After reading “Quiet” by Susan Cain, I finally started to feel like it was okay to be an introvert — that introverts could win at life too. I suppose we all have to follow our own path and trust our instincts throughout the various phases of life. Good for you, for following yours!
Jennifer´s last [type] ..Cover to Cover: Off Switch Magazine {+ an interview with Founder and Editor-in-Chief Katie Michels!}
That book is on my reading list! I know my friend owns a copy, I need to borrow it from her ASAP
No, you are so not alone on the new mom anxiety issue. Not by a long shot. Motherhood has demanded something out of me that I didn’t even realize I had, so in some ways Harper gets my best and everyone else gets what is left, so in that way, my personality toward and around others has changed, too. You are a great mom, Ashlee, and I think it is safe to say that no matter what journey God takes you on personally you will always give your babies your very best!
Thanks friend. It was so fun to meet up with you last week! Harper is the sweetest and she is blessed to have a mom as loving and sweet as you!
This is so fascinating to me! I definitely fall far to the introvert side of the spectrum (and I agree that shyness is a separate animal). I’ve been reading the book Quiet by Susan Cain, which I found out about after watching her TED talk called The Power of Introverts. The topic of introversion and extroversion is so interesting to me, and it is especially interesting to hear how you shifted so much on the spectrum! Great post!
Meghan´s last [type] ..This is what happens the day after a really good dance
That book is on my to-read list! I didn’t realize so many people had read it….I need to get on that
You and me, we are very similar. I had the same thing when I was, newly married, first pregant and then pregnant again (and again). I think part of my transition to a more introverted personality was due to post partum depression. I don’t mean to say that you are, just that I was and introversion was my take away gift from that experience, ha. Though, I am sure that anyone who spends more than 5 minutes with me will say that is laughable I can talk the socks off of anyone. And I can, just one person at a time!
Claire´s last [type] ..Downton Abbey Season 3 Finale
Since I only know you online, I totally would have pegged you as an extrovert! Interesting
I think this is a very interesting post and I completely understand how those steps you took in your life changed you. I haven’t had a baby (yet) but I did get married last summer and I did move to another city away from my family and old friends. I also became an introvert and I most definitely was an extrovert only 5 years ago. The change definitely started happening before I got married but marriage solidified the deal as a matter of speaking. I think it’s important to remember that it’s not because you’re introvert that you are asocial. Like you I prefer to have a small circle of friends but when I am with those people I laugh, I cry, I’m silly, I’m serious, I listen to their dreams and complaints and they listen to mine. I just choose to have that with fewer people than before and I also crave more alone time. Great post, Ashlee.
Totally. Introverts can still have social skills, and I think you and I both fall into that camp. As more studies and research and books come out on this topic, I think people are becoming more accepting of the introvert label because they understand it better.
I always say that I’m an introvert who masquerades as an extrovert. I am friendly, but I desperately need alone time to recharge. I think people are surprised to learn that I consider myself an introvert because I can talk to anyone, but I have been known to hit an invisible point in a night where I just decide, “I NEED TO GO HOME RIGHT NOW.” It’s weird. I think that life events definitely have the power to change how we interact with the world. The more we realize these things about ourselves, the better we can care for ourselves, right?
Amy´s last [type] ..By my own spirit…
I felt that way when I was working for the Citizen, an introvert masquerading as an extrovert. To a certain extent, I felt like I was playing the role of “marketing girl” even when it didn’t always suit me. And yes, the better we understand ourselves the better we care for ourselves!
Do you know what you Myer-Briggs personality type is? The reason I ask is that I am an ENFP, E for extrovert, but they are unique in one way: they are an extrovert that can charge up by being either an introvert or an extrovert. So while sometimes the ENFP likes being around people and parties, they also need time to themselves to recharge, just like an introvert. ENFP are also mothering types so there’s that too. My husband is super into MBTI, like overly so. I really enjoyed your post as I feel that I have had a similar journey as you. Thank you for sharing.
I took the test in college but I know I have changed so much since then (and I don’t even remember what I scored as the first time). I would love to take it again but I don’t want to spend the $50!
i love your thoughts on the subject. i would recommend reading “Personality Plus” by Florence Littauer. it is a fascinating look into the 4 different personalities. it has changed the way i see and interact with people. i love it!
Thanks Kayla, I’ll add that to my reading list!
This helped me so much. Thank you Ashlee!
Very interesting post! I’ve never heard of an ambivert, but that is definitely what I am. I have also become more introverted as an adult and I think a lot of that is that as a teacher, I am constantly being “social” all day so at the end of it a lot of times I’m just tired and want to relax.
Kelly´s last [type] ..Portland ME: Where to Eat and Sleep
I feel like most people I know are actually introverts who like spending time with people, but who recharge alone. You can enjoy being social and outgoing *and* still be an introvert, because like you said, it’s where you get your energy from. I personally find it draining to be on all the time, so I think of myself as an extrovert. When I’m with people, I can definitely be talkative, open, etc. but that’s not what revives me. I think there are more of us than we think! Power to the introverts!
Allison @ With Faith & Grace´s last [type] ..Liebster Award!
Love this, Ashlee. I would definitely call myself an introvert, though it surprises people because in a crowd, I hate “awkward silence” and don’t mind being the one to tell a joke or get the conversation going. I like other people to be enjoying themselves. But once that’s done, I sit back and like to listen, then go home to quiet.
Life seasons have definitely heightened what I’m already prone to- new marriage drew me in more often than out b/c I wanted to be with my husband and, as I’m pregnant with our first, I’m already preparing for how new motherhood could draw me in more while getting used to everything. Getting my bearings of what’s new makes me introspective and observant (also qualities of a writer, so it’s no surprise we turn to writing!). Anyway- you shared thoughts I’d been thinking lately approaching motherhood and I thank you!
Thanks Natalie! Glad you could relate. I hate awkward silence too, but I’m not usually the first one to break it, so I’m thankful for people like you who do
I’ve never really thought much about my introversion changing, but there are definitely times when I feel like I come out of my shell. That’s not to say that I don’t crave my alone time and alone time with Him, but there are times when I guess I feel more outgoing than others. And I feel like I’m more outgoing than I used to be (at least compared to those awkward teenage years!).
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this post, but I just wanted to let you know that I really love this post. It’s just another reminder that God is always working in us, changing us, and working through us as well.
Kiki´s last [type] ..you’re gonna wanna read this.
Thanks Kiki
I’ve always been an introvert, which comes as a surprise to some because I enjoy parties, gatherings, talking to people, being goofy and loud. It’s just that it does drain my energy. Even though I look forward to social events and have a lot of fun, I’m always happy to come home to the peace and quiet and recharge by writing, reading, art. My favorite times are being at home, just me and my husband playing a board game, watching a movie, or cooking together.
Laura Marcella´s last [type] ..8 Commonly Misspelled Authors’ Names
Loved your insights in this post and can absolutely relate to how life experiences can change you. Funny how it seems like such a major confession to admit to being an introvert. There’s no right or wrong, just a shift in how you relate to people. Personally, I find that the best writers tend to be introverts.
Depending on who you ask and where you met me, most would say I’m an extrovert. But when you get down to the heart of it I’ve always been and always will be an introvert at my core. I just have figured out how to turn it on and off to suit my environment. At the end of the day, I find the most inspiration and energy when I’m alone in my head. Enjoy the quiet – while it lasts.
I never really thought of writing as being related to introversion, but looking back on the past 5 years, I can definitely see how I became more introverted at the same time I started writing. Interesting…
i think i am naturally intriverted but went through a stage of being more extroverted or an introvert with really good social skills
now i don’t know probably a bit of both but more intoverted…unless you get me in the right environment
to me it seems a confidence thing and i have become more intoverted when my confidence has taken a hit but it is through these trials i have learnt the most.
Lottie´s last [type] ..sunday: richmond park
We’ve talked about this a little bit in person, but I’ll just say publicly that I can very much identify with your physical need to be with Everett, and how it’s difficult for you to be away from him. My experience was identical, and it was at its strongest when Anna was a newborn and it became less and less as she weaned. I am convinced it’s a hormonal bond between mother and child, meant for good reasons. This is not to say other people wanting to help is bad, it’s just natural for a breastfeeding mama to feel threatened when her child isn’t close by… after all…the kid only has you as a feeding source!
Lesley´s last [type] ..Five books for skeptics
I wonder how you will be with your second baby, if it will be the same or if you will be a little more relaxed with your second. Sometimes I wonder how much of this is just normal hormonal mom stuff and how much is first-time mom stuff. Time will tell I guess!
Hi Ashlee. I’ve been an avid reader of your blog for some time, and I love your thoughts on this. I’ve always been an introvert, and it’s interesting to read about other people’s thoughts on the subject. I recently picked up a book titled “Quiet” by Susan Cain about the subject of introverts, and I definitely recommend it.
Hi Ashley! Thanks for reading. That seems to be the #1 book rec for introverts. My friend owns a copy, I need to borrow it ASAP!
whoa. i’m totally relating to the anxiety of always wanting to be physically close to ruthie. Im the same when it comes to too many hands on her. I’m trying to process why i feel this way. At times it feels selfish and silly and i hate this about my new role as mother. I should feel so blessed and lucky to have so many wonderful people in her life but for reasons i dont understand yet, i want to keep us sheltered in a little bubble. Like you, i’m most comfortable with myself or just a very small amount of close friends. I think this happens as we age and dont feel the need to constantly stay up to date socially. Im happiest with my family and im okay with that.
Lindsay @ Little One Love´s last [type] ..SO I GUESS I’M A MOM BLOGGER NOW
I think we have a mother’s instinct and motherly hormones for a reason. If we were suddenly thrown into the wild, we would need those to survive, right?
I tested as an Extrovert when I took the Myer-Briggs test, and I think that’s true to an extent. I LOVE making new friends and being in social settings, but only after I’ve had my quiet/alone time. I’ve never been able to jump from one social situation to another without having some downtime in between.
Ruth´s last [type] ..Our little Valentine.
I can definitely relate to this post!
When I was in college, I was super outgoing, had tons of friends, and always wanted to go out on the weekends. Now that I’m out of college and married, I’ve noticed that I enjoy staying in a lot more and don’t feel the need to go out EVERY weekend. I really think it has to do with getting older and shifting my priorities: spending time with my husband, saving money, not staying out too late so I can get sleep, etc.
I also resonate with Amy’s comment: I am a very friendly person and can talk to complete strangers, but I definitely crave my alone time every few days.
Intro/extroversion is a funny thing.
Gina´s last [type] ..Five on Friday v7
Ashlee,
If you’re interested in learning more about this you should read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. It’s a fascinating read; I highly recommend it!
Just read the comments – three other people also recommended this book
I’m on it!
I’m an introvert too. I didn’t realise I was until we had to take a Myers Briggs test for work, and I came down as slightly I. I definitely have extrovert moments, but when I realised that this test said I was an introvert it felt like now I had permission to be more of an introvert, and I’m much more comfortable taking down time away from people. I also really like how it’s a sliding scale, that sometimes in your life you can be an extrovert, and others an introvert. Makes sense, actually, that there’s no absolute.
Elly´s last [type] ..Dan Deacon (on Valentines)
Isn’t it funny to feel like we need permission to be introverts? I felt the same way for a long time, and always called myself an extrovert because that’s a label I had worn my entire life and I know it’s how people saw me. I also think I never really understand the meaning behind extraversion/introversion and assumed that being an introvert meant I was shy or awkward, which I’m not. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
i love this. it is so honest and relatable. i too used to be super extroverted, but more and more i am loving staying in with a book or some blogs or a big dinner to cook.
When I took the Myer Briggs test (ESTJ!) , I was just barely an extrovert over an introvert. The more I thought about the definition, the more I understood that–especially as a Gemini! I can be a total social butterfly at parties and bars, but I also adore quiet nights in with a stack of magazines and a cup of tea. I really derive my energy from both–I can’t do too many nights in in a row, but I also can’t party every night. All about finding a balance to keep my energy levels high
Christine´s last [type] ..Turn off your phone, tune back into life
Ashlee-
I love this post! I’ve been following your blog since I got pregnant and now have a sweet little 5 week old boy . And man can I relate! I’ve been really noticing this change in the past year and half as well. At first I thought something was wrong that I’ve all of sudden enjoyed my alone time and the peace and quiet and not being in huge crowds and really valueing my close relationships. So thank you from one new mom to another for your post! Let’s embrace the change god is doing!
Angie, congrats on your sweet new boy! What a special time. I’m glad you could relate. You’re not alone in craving quiet during this season
I think a lot of people go through what you are going through – I don’t think anyone stays exactly the same person they were from the time they were 18 to 25 – Those are huge years in figuring out who you are going to be for your adult life. Most people I know are not married, home owners or have kids yet at your age, you’re still figuring a lot out, right?? You’re lucky you can reflect and write from the heart on it. I completely agree on wanting to have Everett with you all the time, I was the same, especially with Jessie and it has to be some kind of primal/hormonal/evolutionary thing based on how many moms above agree!!! As Everett is learning to crawl, then walk, then run, and gets weaned, you will find yourself able to let him go. You will watch him discover the world he lives in. I can san without a doubt, that as my kids have gotten older and letting them out of my arms has become less of a struggle, there is nothing that makes me happier knowing how many people love them and how much joy they bring to others – friends and family alike.
Thanks for this, sis
Totally an introvert. I was more outgoing in high school but even then I got my energy from the down time. And I have to say, regarding your Growth Chart post – there’s nothing about little Everett in this pic that looks malnourished. Use your Momma instincts, get a second opinion, don’t feel guilty because he doesn’t match the charts! Just sayin’. = )
Jamie´s last [type] ..Deep Thought Thursday (on being scared)
Thanks Jamie! I have made peace with the growth chart….and by that I mean, I don’t give a hoot about it anymore.
I’ve always been an introvert, yet for some reason I always felt like that was a disadvantage in life. I guess I still do feel that way (my reviews at work are always “speak up more, we want your ideas!), so I intentionally try to be more extroverted. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t.
I am initially very resistant when someone invites me to do something, because I know I’d rather just sit on the couch at home on my computer (is that sad?!) after a long day at work, and that has gotten worse since becoming a mother, because I am giving of myself more to Rooney (which drains me, as sweet as she is), and I also feel bad leaving her on the weekends, since I leave her during the week when I go to work. (Although, Wednesdays are our day together, since I work 4 days a week, and that has made a huge difference for me.) Great post! Love the comments, too!
Kelsey Williams´s last [type] ..Would You Have Birth Photos Taken?
Another mom recently said that to me…..that it makes sense for new moms to become more introverted because their babies are vying for their attention all day and it’s completely draining. I can definitely relate!
This was really interesting for me to read, because I can completely relate – except I think I might have gone the other way around? When I was little I literally got sick to my stomach at the thought of meeting new people…but in college I completely blossomed and loved being in, what I felt, was my ideal community. Although, I will say that since then I might have swung back towards being more introverted (the same: move/marriage shift happened to me) and now when I take those Myers Briggs tests, it tells me I am on the E/I line…which I didn’t think was even a real option. I think the Lord gives us the (social) grace we need for each season He brings us to.
Maggy´s last [type] ..But we DO have Ben & Jerry’s
Definitely. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Maggy!
my daughter is now 15months so i’m way past any anxiety of being away from her since she has family care-givers 75% of the time since going back to work month 3 (i didn’t really have a choice)……. but i remember the breastfeeding need to be with my child and almost scheduling time away on the breastfeeding clock. the first couple times away from her seemed wrong and odd and void, but it slowly got easier… and i have to say the time away has made me a healthier more balanced mom. (so it was a nice surprise, actually). as for the extrovert to introvert, wow, i’m so with you. i feel like i’ve been back and forth my whole life, but i’m happiest when it’s our family of 3 doing things and taking in life. i, too, get my energy from writing and reading and reflection and it has increased with age. what’s hardest is finding out you are in a spot and finding a lot of your former friends aren’t in that spot and still sharing connections. have you experienced the latter with your friends? thanks for sharing you reflections.
Hi Carey! I think I’ve been blessed during this life phase because most of my friends are a) introverts, and b) mommas. Not only that but most of them had babies before I did so I’ve been able to watch them and ask for advice. I can imagine though that if my friends were still single, wanting to go out all the time, while I was in THIS phase, that would be really hard. I think it can be hard for unmarried and/or non-mothers to relate to the need for quiet and space after having a child.
I’m not a mom, but I can see how being a mother and having a new baby could be exhausting. I watched both of my sisters when they had their children and it seemed like everyone wanted a piece of them. People always wanted to stop buy to visit or wanted them to stop by so they could see the kids. When they would go out in public, people had no shame just reaching out to touch the baby or constantly wanting to hold them whether it was friends, family or total strangers! I think I would have been overprotective and wanting some peace and quiet too!
Totally. That is such a peeve of mine. Nothing makes me crazier than people grabbing Everett out of my arms without asking. He’s MY baby! Rawr!
Studies have shown that our personalities are hardwired into our brains, it’s our activity and behavior that changes. I can see the need to fit in and please others or live up to our own expectations being a reason to see change. I recently went through a lot of life changes, and suddenly acceptance from everyone stopped being important. I believe when you find the ONE thing you truly love in life and would give up anything for, that is when most people stop feeling the need to fit in or have approval. I am glad you’ve found that, and I hope your anxiety subsides, because you are you and there’s no need to feel crappy about anything.
I am such an introvert too! I am actually even a little nervous sometimes about what it is going to be like to suddenly have somebody around me and needing my attention all the time! I’m sure it’ll help that he/she will be tiny and adorable though. =]
WOW I could have wrote this. I am glad I am not hte only one. I moved to a smaller city 5 years ago, had my daughter who is now 4 years old, got divorced, am remarrying this year, ended and started so much. I am definitely leaning towards being an introvert more now than ever. Socializing has become so draining fo rme and sometimes it feels so forced that I would rather not do it at times.