the hard days.

“I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” -Psalm 34:4

I’m feeling quiet this week. No real reason, just do. I’ve cried a lot the past few days, and I’m not sure what that’s about. Some days, it’s hard to be pregnant. Some days I totally freak out and I don’t feel ready for this and anxiety gets the best of me. That anxiety is followed by guilt and the guilt is followed by tears. Pretty soon I’m just sobbing for no reason, sitting on the floor thinking about All The Change that is coming my way.

I’ve always been good with change. New city, new job, new friends—bring it on! But this? This is permanent. This is LIFE CHANGE. This is going to change everything about me, and about us. It will change our daily routine and the way our home looks and how we spend money and what we worry about and the very love that we have for each other. The joy in my heart certainly outweighs the uneasiness, but I’ve had to pray a lot this week for God to remind me of that.

I’ve spent the last few nights snuggled up in bed reading, embracing the silence of our bedroom. A silence that will soon be filled with screams and cries and coos and giggles. As excited as I am for that day to arrive, I am starting to feel very possessive over this time that we have left.

It might be quiet around this blog for the next few weeks. Brett and I are heading out of town for what some people would call a “babymoon” (although I refuse to call it that). To be honest, we really need a break from being grownups. A break from taxes and car accidents, bills and budgets. We need a week together, to just….breathe, and focus on nothing but each other.

I hope to come back tan, refreshed, renewed, and hopefully not ten pounds bigger (but I make no promises). See you soon, friends.

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12 Responses to the hard days.

  1. Rebecca says:

    Good on you for taking some time to yourself! I think the perception of pregnancy is that it’s supposed to be all hunky dory, yay let’s look at thirty MORE onesies, oh I just love the bloating and crankiness! but really, as joyous a time as it is, it’s also a constant reminder that in just a few weeks, your world is not all about you anymore. And that’s a big change. A great one, but a scary one too.

    I hope you get plenty of that tan and relaxation and romantic time with Brett that you so deserve! Enjoy every moment of it!
    Rebecca´s last blog post ..Reading Something Truly Fantastic (Plus, Downloadable Book Plates!)

  2. Michelle says:

    Enjoy your time together. You deserve it. Stay blessed.
    Michelle´s last blog post ..The way I feel things

  3. Kelly Gaide says:

    Oh, sweet friend. I am totally with you. I pray that the Lord would keep giving you these quiet times before the little one arrives. I find pregnancy to be this beautiful but very raw thing. And us girls just need time to process everything. I hope you take these last three months and just live it up. Enjoy the vacay, take lots of pics and come back refreshed. Love you! Can’t wait to see you in March.

    kel
    Kelly Gaide´s last blog post ..waiting here for you

  4. Abbey says:

    Praying that God quiets your anxiety! Enjoy your time away together!

  5. Anna says:

    It is so great that you can be so honest about how you are feeling. I’m sure there are so many other women that have or do feel like you do. Having a baby is a big change. It is an amazing change that will enrich your lives so much but it definitely changes the way you live I’m a big way!!! There is a loss of some things but a gain of so much more:). Pregnancy is an emotional and sometimes scary time. Good for you guys for getting away for some relaxation and fun! Enjoy your vacation. xoxo
    Anna´s last blog post ..Welcome to Annie & Isabel’s New Web Site and Store!

  6. SushiMama says:

    Change, even when it’s good change, is scary! Happy you’re getting away for a break!
    SushiMama´s last blog post ..May & June= Crazy

  7. Suzanne says:

    The unknown can be daunting. It will be a BIG change, but it’s the best life change you’ll ever experience and you won’t even be able to imagine what life was like before it happened. Promise. Have a great time in Hawaii!
    Suzanne´s last blog post ..{ inspired interiors: dreamy whites }

  8. Paulette Hawes says:

    Dearest Ashlee –

    Honestly, I felt the same way when I was pregnant with you and sometimes would cry for no apparent reason. Please know that you have a wonderful support system in friends and family. I highly recommend regular date nights for you and Brett as you need that time to focus on your relationship – and you will have to work on not talking about the baby all night (lol). You know Dad and I will babysit anytime – actually can’t wait!!

    Have fun in Hawaii!

    Love you, Mom aka future Baby Gadd Grandma

  9. Mom says:

    Breathe! Breathe in the humid winds of Hawaii, the paradise smell of sunblock, the salt air, the smell of a breakfast on the lanai, and breathe in all of the love and support that surrounds the two of you and all the changes to come!!

  10. Faith says:

    I hope that you and Brett return from your trip well-rested, refreshed, and renewed! My husband and I haven’t walked that road yet, but I’m sure it’s a rollercoaster of emotions. Have a great time, and take pictures!
    Faith´s last blog post ..Sibs

  11. Erica says:

    You two deserve this time with eachother. Enjoy every minute of it :)
    Erica´s last blog post ..friday hearts.

  12. Meg says:

    Just stumbled upon your blog, and I love it! I pray that you are refreshed during your time away. :-)
    Meg´s last blog post ..Baltimore and Birthdays

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