{ excerpt from Big Sur }
It’s 7:30am and my alarm isn’t set to go off for another hour. I rarely sleep past 7:00, even when I know my body could use the extra rest. My mind is always bright in the morning, full of fresh thoughts and new hopes. It seems like sleep would be a waste when I know what the alternative holds.
Sometimes when I wake up early, I watch Brett sleep for a minute. Is that creepy? I don’t mean to be a creep. He always looks so peaceful. Content. Calm. Just breathing and dreaming….of what, I can never be too sure.
Sometimes, when I watch his steady breath and the whole house is quiet except for the hum of the fan on my nightstand, my heart aches for him. As if it’s so full of love that it physically hurts me. When Brett and I first started dating seven years ago, my heart would ache for him every time we were apart. Sweet, sweet teenage love. There’s nothing quite like it, is there? Now, four years into marriage, sometimes my heart aches even when we’re together.
I like to believe that this feeling is part of God’s perfect design for marriage. That it’s part of His plan for a husband and wife to love each other so deeply, it hurts sometimes. That we should never lose sight of what brought us together in the first place, and never get too comfortable, but instead maintain and nurture a longing for one another. That we should keep steadfast in our efforts to show each other love, and use the heartache as ammunition to never stop pursuing.
…….
It’s cold this morning. I’m wrapped in a bathrobe three sizes too big for me, but I can still feel the morning chill grazing my legs. There are birds singing in the trees and for the past fifteen minutes I’ve been watching a squirrel jump from branch to branch, chasing food I assume, or perhaps another attractive, single squirrel.
Brett’s inside, sleeping soundly. I can see him through the window.
Maybe someday I’ll be able to sleep past 7:00.
Until then, I’ll just keep my mornings for storytelling.
Love, love, love this post!
I only recently found your blog and I’m so glad I did! I was just (as in, a couple of hours ago when I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep) thanking God that I have those feelings for my husband. In June, we celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. That “heartache” isn’t constant, and maybe that’s OK. Maybe it’s the pursuit of that feeling of ‘being so in love it hurts’ that is key to sustaining a marriage.
Thank you for this sweet reminder that we should never stop pursuing our spouse.
Sweet, sweet post Ashlee!
Ahhh you have an amazing gift of writing. I sometimes miss my Husband even when we’re in the same room. It’s like never being able to get enough. I plan feel that way in 50 years, and I think the way to do so is, as you said, to keep pursuing my spouse.
!!! We have to be bosom friends. I had this exact experience when I was flipping through photos of Jer, trying to decide on one for an anniversary post. Sometimes that physical pain takes my breath away.
Loved this post and your beautiful way with words. xx
Please write a book someday. Thx.
I adore this, Ash. I know the ache of which you speak…it’s beautiful madness. I can’t wait to find that someone for me! *big dramatic sigh*
Wow. You. are. an. amazing. writer. Please don’t ever stop. If you ever write a book, I for sure would buy it. You have such a way with words.
This was such a beautiful post.
My Dearest Ashlee – I love this post! And as you know, I agree with Liz and Dee, you need to write a book. Or take some of your favorite and most poignant blog postings and put them together for a nightstand book. Illustrated with your beautiful photos of course!!
Your biggest fan, Mom
P.S. The waterfalls at Yosemite are still beautiful! If you have chance to get up there in the next few weeks I know you would get great pictures!!
Ah, I do the same thing. I sometimes feel overly emotional for staring at my sleeping husband in the morning. I love him so much it hurts….it aches. Marriage is a beautiful thing.
i know exactly what you mean. where your heart just feels like it’s overflowing because there’s so much love in there. i hope that feeling never goes away- for you or for me.
and you’re a beautiful writer, by the way.
lovely post, truly lovely.
hi Ashlee, i’ve just come over after reading another wonderful love tribute by Ashley of That is all and it linked to this truly heart touching story by you. so glad i clicked through, you’re a harmonious writer and the tingles were felt all over. you know when you see the perfect card for someone and it says the exact things you can’t seem to articulate yourself. well, that’s how i felt reading this tribute to your love. it’s serene and beautiful and a delight, thank you for sharing. many blessings!
beautifully written! and what a great blog you have here!